all in..!

it’s true that i would’ve spared you the pain
if i could have.
i’d bear it all myself if i had the choice - that which was,
and that which has yet to come (and will. oh it will.
if nothing else, i know that much).

but this is the most blatantly and unapologetically two-
way street i can remember walking; so of course there’s
no bearing any part of it alone. not for me.
not for you, either.
it’s going to take some getting used to.
too bad we don’t have time for that.

deep down in a place that is less about making sense
of the truth and more about simply knowing it in spite
of all things sensible, i recognize that denying this is futile.
if there was a point at which we could’ve turned back
we must’ve passed it some time ago, too breathless
with the shocking speed of weightless flight
to notice the warning signs whizzing past.
so since we’re here, hurtling into the abyss,
let’s fall with our hands outstretched and our hearts
in our throats. can’t be strong enough to fly without the fall.
can’t be brave enough to fall without believing at least
in part that there’s a chance you’ll learn to fly before
you hit rock bottom.

why do we write?
to preserve. why do we speak?
to hope someone else will understand.
i know the next 30 days will be a cycle of the two.
of pouring as much of myself into you as i can stand…
and then continuing past the point at which i can’t.
of pouring as much of us as my weak human fingertips
can conjure from blurred, already-too-painful memory
into words that are just barely more coherent.
i know i can’t possibly forget, but for someone
so enamored with the joy of letting go i tend take
every precaution just in case i fail myself.
and i don’t want to risk losing the ability to relive.
because soon that’s all we’ll have.

so i’m determined to remember what it felt like
to whisper your name into your ear like the closest thing
to a prayer i’ve uttered in years, begging you
to come back to me from the senseless grip of agony.
i’ll go mad if i forget the sound of you gasping
for my voice as you resurfaced, the way you wrapped
yourself around me as if i was the last anchor you had
to the earth.
i remember saying that we were stronger than the pain,
more real than whatever it was you were feeling,
and wanting you to believe it even if i wasn’t sure
i did. sometimes i feel like i barely know you,
but then i remember you telling me that you’re not sure
anyone knows you better and i can’t deny that even without
all the auxiliary details we’ve handed each other the passcode
to the safe buried right in the center
(hell, it wasn’t even that hard to guess. save for one digit,
they were exactly the same).

taking your hand meant toppling into the rabbit hole
and despite feeling like i’ve already been plummeting
for miles i still can’t begin to see how far down
this actually goes. i still have a thousand questions
for you but i don’t have any for us. i don’t want
to question this. i just want to live it. in it, through it,
over it and under it, during it, drowning in it,
soaring with it. when i fall i fall, when i fly i fly. two sides
of the same coin, twin souls lost and found.

you stole my mind, you admitted, almost as
if you couldn’t believe it yourself. i suppose it’s more accurate
that i borrowed it.
i do plan on giving it back. but not without changing
it irrevocably, not without pushing all the levers as far up as
they can go with no thoughts to spare for the consequences.
“faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear
of death”. the only way we can survive this road
is by immersing ourselves so intensely in the journey
that we completely forget it must come to an end.

for counterparts with no upper limit, we’re sure
as hell bound by the worst of them. life,
circumstances, timing, chance, plot, obligation, progression.
but even within our confines there is nothing to stop us
from dreaming of the inconceivable heights of an open sky.
hope is for the living, and the fact that i can’t predict
the future is ultimately something i have always been
grateful for.
go ahead. ruin me, so i can say that i know what it’s like.
let me ruin you, because if you can get back up after i do
(and you will) you’ll know more about the truth of the whole
than you ever could have learned without falling right into it.

of course i feel.
how could i not?
add flame to flame and you get a passionate,
exponential rage that can’t possibly last.
so we can’t. and we won’t.
but before we burn out, we’re going
to take the whole damn forest down with us.
all in, all out. the only way we know how.
i don’t want to know what this could have been.
i want to know what it can be.
that’s what i’m gambling on - nothing more,
nothing less than the impossibly commanding reality
of the present.

maybe there’ll be a spark or two left
after the smoke clears.
that’s all i’ve ever needed to bring a fire back to life.