I enjoy J. Franzen’s rules for writing… for the humor..!

1. The reader is a friend, not an adversary,
not a spectator.

2. Fiction that isn’t an author’s personal adventure
into the frightening or the unknown isn’t worth writing
for anything but money.

3. Never use the word “then” as a conjunction
-we have “and” for this purpose.
Substituting “then” is the lazy or tone-deaf writer’s
non-solution to the problem of too many “ands”
on the page.

4. Write in the third person unless a really distinctive
first-person voice offers itself irresistibly.

5. When information becomes free and universally
accessible, voluminous research for a novel
is devalued along with it.

6. The most purely autobiographical fiction requires
pure invention.
Nobody ever wrote a more autobiographical story
than The Metamorphosis

7. You see more sitting still than chasing after.

8. It’s doubtful that anyone with an internet
connection at his workplace is writing good fiction.

9. Interesting verbs are seldom very interesting.

10. You have to love before you can be relentless.”


This is what this list says to me:

1. Your reader should be your buddy!
Not the lover, or angry neighbor, or insane inmate,
but your buddy! Enjoy a story friend, because hey,
that’s the only role we really want to see in this life!

2. I have opinions on the current state of literature!

3. I have grammar opinions!

4. I have narrative opinions!

5. I have bullshit opinions that border on the ridiculous!

6. I combine terms to sound deep, but in reality
by citing Kafka, I corrupt the narrative of Kafka’s writing
style and exploration in his struggles with women,
his identity, and his father. Also, I am disagreeing
with point 8 because Kafka was an accountant;
in modern times, he would do the majority
of his work via the internet.
Fiction was an outlet for Kafka.
However, because of point 5, I don’t really need
to investigate anything I say about other authors!
Wee!

7. The world scares me.

8. I once got a call from history telling me not
to make statements like “television is ruining society”
or “the telephone is the root of all evils”
or “people who write in abstract script cannot
capture the true essence of narrative like those
who write in pictographs”.