exceeding expectations..!

I was wrong about you.

I was wrong about you, and I was wrong
about me, and I was wrong
about pretty much everything
this quarter except the art that I created
and the living trembling breathing overflowing
emotions that bred them,
of which I cannot truly say that I regret a single one

no matter how troublesome

no matter how much confusion
and grief they have caused

because if I didn’t feel everything I feel
and then some,
I wouldn’t have had that moment,
and I wouldn’t have had all the moments following,
and I wouldn’t have had all the moments before it,
and I wouldn’t be ME

and I can’t honestly say that I regret myself

because while I am imperfect and my life
is a chaotic impending trainwreck constantly threatening
to fly off the rails,
I’ll be damned if it isn’t a beautiful one,
I’ll be damned if I said I would trade it,
I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t trade a single station

and I want to get better and I will be better
and I will go upwards from here
but I cannot apologize anymore
for who I have been and what I have done

because I am going to finals with the family
I created for myself with my own bare hands
and the person I love is coming with me,
presumably unashamed of that fact, so how then

can I be ashamed of myself?

We weren’t unanimously ranked first
this time around, the set wasn’t perfect,
and while some people might be alarmed
by this I agree with my mentor
that it’s actually a good thing because
it means the content is there, the material
is there, the core is there so now we just have
to get ourselves to the point at which people see
on stage what we hear in our hearts

and I as a person am no different.
I’m not there yet… but even where I am now I have
so much to be thankful for

and so I should also be thankful
that I have room to improve

that this is nowhere close to the end
or the top
or the climax of the journey

and that when I look up there are still miles
of magnificent sky separating me
from the apex of the sun;

what do I quest for?

To see what I can find,

and who I am after I find it.

To love more,

and to find more reasons to love even
when I thought I couldn’t possibly
have anything left to give -

to make music,

to speak to people in the only language none
of us need to translate as long as it’s true enough,

to tell stories that have more facts in them
than any stale, “objective” reporting

humans are not stale, their stories are not objective

to experience everything I can for the sake
of myself and the woman that traded her opportunity
to exist so that I could feel the weight of mine twofold

to live. I quest to live. I have a responsibility to live.
And I will improve. But I will not apologize.