obit..!

he told me this is the best way to break up
with a somewhat serious girlfriend:
he says to take her to mcdonalds or something similar
where there’s people and french fries.
he says to stand up from the table and get a refill
of coke or something.
he says to tell her after you get the refill
and before you sit down because standing next
to the table will make you look more definite
but it will make you look more like a coward in her eyes
which is better for her because she’ll get to say things like “that fucking coward” to her friends or to herself.
he says to say the things people say in movies
or television during successful break up scenes because
this is the easiest way to clearly communicate
to people like us about what is happening
and she’ll have social cues on how to react triggered
by those familiar words which will prevent
her from freezing up or stuttering or just breaking down.
he says to have a list of your own faults and her faults
and the relationships faults and to slide that list over
to her across the table.
he says this is important because the break up
can be a growing opportunity for everyone
and that list of faults could be a good start to a better you, her, the world. he says to tell her that you’re sorry
and if her eyes look like they’re getting all moody post-rock,
he says to tell her that she can punch you in the stomach if she’d like. he says you might get punched
but its a real solid way to end a relationship.
be careful not to spill the soda, he added.