We are in grey..!

i want to live inside a green moment,
where you and i and our shaky hands chase
out the horizon in a large forest.
i want your mouth always full of laughter.
i want our fingers to know each other.

we are in grey. i want my heart
to stop beating so loudly i can’t hear
myself think.
i know how often i dream
of you is making you uneasy.
i don’t know how to say that you make
breathing better without sounding crazy.
i know you need your space.
 i’m sorry.

it’s just that i was born on a white day,
all lacking, and no sun got in me.
i filled myself up with empty.
i was four the first time i knew i was lonely.
i have raised myself through terrible things,
learned only that others leave me once
they’re done visiting.
my chest is filled with fists and failure
and nights that all blend together.
 
maybe if i had parents that loved
each other so loudly they made sunsets
in each other’s hearts. maybe
if i had friends who didn’t care how blue
i got. maybe if i was strong and bled
out loud colors and didn’t stop.

i don’t know how not to love you.
you are brighter than art.
you were the first thing to bring colors back
to the dark.