I don’t want to miss you..!

Not that the desire for this bitter-sweet feeling died
after rationality took reign over that
emotionally uptight mind of mine,
but being hopeful wasn’t part of the plan
when I decided to try insensate all pain
and joy received from just feeling human.

From the second I ‘bled’ enough to understand
how vulnerable I am to emotional influence
and things weren’t going to happen the way
I prayed and begged for,
the disgust I had for being me drove me
to be at my wit’s end. I yearned for a change so bad,
in hopes of these anguish and agony suffered
for having feelings and emotional attachment,
to be relieved of me.

I was desperately holding on.

Possessing the ability to hold a single expression
for all feelings felt was indeed
the greatest accomplishment thus far,
in fact I am proud of it regardless of all
the hate and labeling of being a ‘hypocrite’.

But never would I had known that the cause of all
these despair and changes would be
the one to revert me to the barest neutrality, she is back.

Surprisingly, the knowledge of their ‘conjoining’
was of no aptitude to pain me in any way,
but her very presence after we met created
conflicts between my rationality and emotions.

She unveils me. It’s almost scary to acknowledge.
I fear not her presence or existence, 
I fear the rising of my need to be with her.
I fear the birth of my desire to ‘possess’ her.
I fear hurting both of us.

As much as I would care for her…
I am in no position to snatch another
man’s privilege to love her, to save her,
despite being one of the only few person she
could trust and rely on,
no matter how much I want to.

I am sorry that I can’t miss you,
and I am sorry for not being allowed to miss you.