Choose life..!

Depression is something I am slowly coming to terms
with for the first time in my entire life.
From the most logical standpoint,
it’s a real illness that can be considered
just as unmerciful as any cancer.
I honestly don’t know why but I was incredibly naive
to it’s involvement in my life up until now.
I cannot say if that was by personal choice or self-defense,
but I am going to assume it was more the latter
than the former.
I know I’ve been depressed for a long time
and you’d think I’d have hit this type of revelation years ago,
but I hadn’t.
I’ve been flirting with the devil for years.
Now, I find myself at a peculiar time
and age where I’ve just finally had enough.
I suppose once you’ve had enough you realize
how bad the vortex of your life has truly been,
and not only for yourself, but for others in it as well.
You see it, you know it, you breathe it, you feel it.

You just want out.

My depression has been my lover, my best friend,
and my family for the past fourteen, or so, years of my life.
It has been a demanding companion
and insisted that it came before everyone else — the people
that I loved, my friends, my family.
It grew within me without question.
Unyielding. Uncompromising.
It taught me how to survive and cope with everything in my life.
It taught me how to live.

The truth is, that isn’t living at all.
I am now finding that I don’t want to be in a relationship
with it anymore.
It’s so fucking chaotic and toxic.
Still, it doesn’t want to let me go.
So I have good days.
I have bad days.
It’s like I feel everything and nothing at the same time.
I’m happy and sad. I want to live and I don’t.
Most days just feel like I’m pulling myself off of fly paper.

This might not make sense for everyone,
but perhaps it will for some.
I am writing this for them, as hard and heavy as it is.
I know we can never fully understand the pain another feels,
that’s intimate and personal.
We’re only human, and I am certainly
not perfect nor will I ever be.
I just hope that to the best of my ability I can relate
and empathize with those in need.
Depression isn’t my word anymore,
or at least I am trying not to let it be.
It doesn’t have to be yours anymore either.
Remember you’re beautiful and that you are worth it too.

Choose love. Choose life. Live..!